I got hired, they put in a two week no payment period and I'm supposed to get paid today where tf is my money? It's direct deposit when does it get in my bank account?! This kind of pisses me off.

it takes time for the initial direct deposit to begin. responsibility is with bank and the cey gave you to submit to your employer payroll department. start with your in house payroll department , then proceed to your bank for answers

Depends when payroll cutoff is and when the payment date is. Ask the company you are working for and they will tell you.

I don't understand why you'd ask us rather than your employer.

And you're asking here instead of asking "they"?

It should arrive at your bank today but the bank may not post it to your account until tonight. Welcome to the real world.